Meeting the Matrimonial Alliance

As a young woman in her early twenties, educated and employed, apart from worldly day to day issues, I also had to device a coping mechanism for subtle pain points like emotional black mail. By parents.

Parents who weaved the word "marriage" into any topic effortlessly, to ensure it was ringing in my ears day in and day out, until one day we confronted each other openly and had a longish discussion on what was conspiring.

Surprisingly, both parties were very calm and clear about the road ahead.

Recently, the parents had begun entertaining alliances and had started spying on eligible bachelors, putting several conversations on hold till I was brought into the picture.

Being very liberal and open minded, they were very clear that I would marry only who I approved of and that they would be the facilitators and not the key decision makers. However, their enthusiasm was getting the better of them, and they were eager to see concrete developments on the matrimonial front.

It was their wish that until I made up my mind on who it was going to be, I would meet suitors they hand picked and sent my way, and would give their choice a fair chance too. A sucker for parental antics and sob stories, I gave in and decided to go with the flow. I rationalized that I lived in a different city, work and social life kept me very very happy and busy, an occasional meeting with a matrimonial alliance wouldn't hurt. Besides, it would keep my parents happy and I liked being non controversial.

It was going to be a date on my terms and conditions, like any other date, only it was also funny in a weird way since I would be meeting strangers!!

I somehow felt very comfortable and relaxed about it as I was certain I wasn't going to marry any of the men I met this way. I just had to meet them, chat up a little, like I was this talk show hostess, eat and drink at my favorite places at their expense, say good bye, and reject on grounds of needing more time to think, reflecting on my emotional needs and other such womanly blah blah that men didn't understand anyway. With luck I could come across as a psycho chick and scare them off!

The other personal decision I took was about sharing the expenses during the meetings. Since the men invariably flew down from another city or country, I thought if I liked the guy I would foot the bill. If I thought he was a nice guy but not my type, I would split the bill, but if the guy turned out to be a total jerk,the bill was all his.

My game plan was set and I was ready to take on the unsuspecting matrimonial men!

And so began the series of funny dates! I recount a few that have made a place in the blind date hall of fame!

The first is hard to forget, not always because you want to remember. This gentleman was on such an ego trip that he refused to admit he flew down to the city exclusively to meet me. He mentioned several other chores he had to deal with in those thirty six hours, and I got the impression our meeting would be brief. Sadly I was mistaken. The dinner date lasted from 7 PM to 11 PM and all my efforts to get rid of him were in vain.

I am not too judgmental about looks, but the fact that I was five feet three and a quarter inches tall, and still an inch taller to him in my modest two inch heels, gave him an insecure disposition in the Mumbai crowd, making me feel like the man of the evening. I was also wondering how he was going to breathe in those ultra tight tight jeans. It was a bad idea stuffing the wallet in the back pocket really.

He shared with me his life's plans for the next five years, ten years and twenty years, his deepest fears, his bouts of depression, suicidal tendencies, stories about older women fancying him, about his war dreams that were always in shades of grey and blue and other such pleasant topics that were so appropriate for discussion on a maiden date with a total stranger.

All this while eating and occasionally opening his mouth to poke around with a tooth pick! Ewwwsome view I say!

My appetite was quite dead by 10pm, but I was playing around with one Idli to keep me company through the grim date, when the young man suddenly leaned over, put out index finger of right hand and scraped the sides of the Idli to let me know it was too dry, which until that moment I had intended to eat. I also noticed uncut, unclean finger nail. That was the last straw.

Potential serial killer with bad table manners.

He did invite me to lunch the next day. Inexplicably I had come down with high fever and severe stomach ache, so unfortunately couldn't make it to what could have been another memorable date.

Then one day I met every woman's nightmare. "The Darrrlling Son". Our man went on and on about how he didn't have to move a finger while he was at home, for his mother loved him so much, she wouldn't let him work! So much so, she carried his used tea cups away, cleaned up his room for him, and cooked another meal if he wasn't happy with what was served! Oh boy! That is slavery, mildly put and I wasn't the sorts to tolerate that kind of attitude. He can cook his own Godda#*$ meal for all I care. At that moment I knew how MCPs were born. The poor lady was so bitten by the maternal bug, she wasn't letting her son grow beyond age five.

He announced he wanted us to be honest with each other and went onto discuss his previous romantic liaisons and how he was devoted to his ex-love, except he hated to see her in pink clothes and disapproved of her nose pin and multiple piercings in the ears. Why was that his business again?

Such detailed honesty I wasn't expecting, nevertheless it was refreshing to know his priorities. Besides, I was very into body piercings myself. If he was trying to send a message through, I wasn't receiving.

After sharing several other such mundane tit bits of information on his love story that was, I was informed that the relationship ended tragically. He felt cheated that she got a third piercing in the ear while he was away on a "project overseas". That was deep. Although I thought the poor girl was just trying to get a life. Clearly our intellectual inclines were on different planes.

Good bye Over grown-Momma's-boy-future MCP-psycho boy friend.

A fake accent is one of the biggest turn offs! Its all the more weird when the accent is a mix of South Indian and American! So two lines into my conversation with a complete stranger, I say, "Hey! Whats with the accent? Its not very convincing you know."

"Ummm...Living in the 'YOO ASS' does that to you, but right now I am just trying to impress you" comes the answer.

What???? I would have to be brain dead to be impressed by that!! And if that was his idea of being funny, I needed a surgically plastered grin on my face to look amused at that one!

Living in the US for twelve months gives you an accent? I understand, one has to put on an accent to make the Americans follow Indian English, but with Indians? Okay, I knew what type this one was. This one was "I lived in America and I want it to be known" types. [I mean, I spent time in different countries too, but I wasn't putting on a Russian, American, European accent in my day to day English. I just advertised it on my blog...(wink..wink..)]. Okay so, it was a bad start already.

Not only was he faking the accent, but also his self assured demeanor. Wonder what else he was going to fake ;)
He spoke a lot on how he didn't think getting married was really important, he spoke and spoke and spoke until he himself countered every argument of his against marriage!! By now, I wasn't quite sure if he wanted to get married or not, and was going to clarify, when out of the blue he confessed he wanted to be married at the earliest as all in his peer group were married. . Whoa!!! and why is that my problem again?

Too eager, confused, not to mention confusing, below average sense of humor and the accent was a turn off anyway.

Then there was the young software engineer from Silicon valley! "SF" he kept calling it. Frisco or SFO was the norm I thought. Anyway that was a new one "SF". Ah! so enamored he was with the amenities of the developed world.

"Do you know in SF there are several Indian stores, where you can get Indian vegetables, and ingredients for Indian food, also stuff from Haldirams".

How sweet.

"In SF there are big malls, where you can get everything under one roof, pre-cooked food, ready to cook food, easy to cook food. You know the vegetables are already cut and 'frawzen', so you have to only microwave it"

I have been living in a cave, how would I know?

"Where I stay in SF, majority are Indians, so the local stores sell lot of authentic Indian spices"

Okay, obviously he thought my primary objective and concern, under the assumption that I married him and moved to SF, would be shopping for 'frawzen' vegetables at grocery stores and malls to cook him up Indian meals. I am sure he meant well and was just informing me about what he thought women would be concerned with! But Hey! Women are concerned with a lot more!!!

I could go on, but for the time being will stop. I am only too thankful that I am happily married by the grace of God, and finally met my match, in every sense of the word!

My unsolicited word of advice for all the single men; most women are highly intelligent, smart and independent. They would love to care for and look after a man for the rest of their lives, provided he has the strength to be himself with her, and lets her be herself with him.

Young women, fretting over their parents urging them to meet young men. Get over it! Its not bad at all, just make it happen on your terms. Remember, it can be a lot of fun, if you can learn to go with the flow.

I speak from experience.


'Father of the Bride' is the prelude to this story.